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G0d Hates Us

Thursday, 10/04/2007


Blog Entry #7

Yeah, yeah, yeah, The King hates you, we all know this. Today is my birthday. The one day of the year when you celebrate the anniversary since you crawled out of a giant vagina. What is a birthday other than: "Congratulations! You're one year closer to death!" I hate birthdays. Then again, I hate everything, but that's besides the point. Birthdays are a bunch of propaganda bullshit. That's all. I mean what's the big deal? Is living another year of life really a good thing? Because we all know that life is not a good thing. At least most of the time. Just remember the "dirty whore analogy". I personally think that being a year closer to death is a good thing. Why the hell do you think I smoke non-stop? When someone says to me, "You know smoking's bad for you!" I say, "Yeah, but it takes years off your life." What I really should say, is to tell them to fuck off and mind their own God damned business. They'll tell me to stop smoking, but they won't tell the fat lady stuffing her face to stop eating. Because it really is the same thing. Birthdays do have their kicks. It's the only day of the year that everyone has to be nice to you. Because it's your birthday! Why do we celebrate birthdays anyway? There really isn't any special reason. You celebrate the day you were brought into this miserable existence. At least I can get drunk, eat too much, and smoke way too many cigarettes without getting shit from anybody. That's a good thing. The only day I could be me and no one is allowed to complain. And don't forget the presents. You get free shit for being human. For walking out of a giant vagina and living long enough to relive that day. And believe me, you don't want to relive that day. Neither does your mommy. Oh yeah, and the waitress at the restaurant with the tits, she hears that it's my birthday and she's practically sucking my cock already. That's the reason why I'm sitting here typing with a very strong odor of gooey pussy residing on my fingers. My keyboard's going to hate me. Well, Happy Birthday to me and go fuck yourself. The one day of the year I can say that, and you can't say shit. Ha ha! Because that would be rude of you. Now I'm going to take 12 shots and call you in the morning. Sorry, I mean afternoon. 


Posted by The King at 6:54 PM EDT

Friday, 09/28/2007


Blog Entry #6

 
I hate you, all of you. I’ll tell you something, people always tend to piss me off. That’s why I hate them. This chick calls me up and she wants to have sex. Naturally, she calls the town whore. I get there and I’m ready to dive head first into a nice pink taco. I’m ready to get down and dirty. Then she tells me she’s on her period. What are you fucking kidding me? People never make any sense. Why would you call me and tell me you want to fuck, but you can’t? Well maybe we could, but I’m not a big fan of blood. Especially that night I had whiskey dick. So that’s not a good combo. I did get close to making it with my last ex while she was on the rag, but I used my better judgment. I have to give women a lot of credit though. You won’t see us guys bleeding out of our asses for a week straight once a month. We would probably blow our heads off before we would let that happen. You have to love having a penis sometimes. It’s great! You can pee standing up, shoot targets when you’re bored, tea bag your friends when they get drunk and pass out, and you always have a toy to play with. Having a vagina must have its kicks too. Me, I’d be shoving everything up there.  Pennies, tennis balls, pool cues, pencils, marbles, footballs (if your that chick I hooked up with from the nightclub the other night), paint brushes, carrots, you name it. There is two things I would want to do if I had a vagina, out of curiosity of course to see if they are possible. 1.) Smoke a cigarette through it. I would like to see if that would work. It is a muscle. 2.) Pop pills in it. I want to see what would happen if you stuck a few Xanies up there, opposed to throwing them down your throat. Would the gina juice absorb them up? Alright, enough with the vagina. The only things I shove in vaginas are my fingers, my tongue, the occasional toy, and of course my penis. The one thing that is genetically engineered to pleasure the female vagina is the male penis. It’s a work of art, especially mine. But I don’t want to talk about penises either. Who am I kidding, I love sex talk. All of guys do. It’s like when women talk about clothes. Which ones more exciting? Clothes or sex? Unless it’s sex clothes. You know what I’m talking about. Some of that kinky shit. Personally, I’m not into the whole bondage thing. I do like the occasional role playing. Not that I need something to spice it up. I do just fine without it. I know that me and my current ex’s problems didn’t involve the bedroom. Everything else maybe. But we were just fine in the sack. More than fine. It’s just good genes I guess. All the men in my family are cocksmen. We work on instinct. Yup, good genes. 


Posted by The King at 11:23 AM EDT

Saturday, 09/22/2007


Blog Entry #5

 

The King hates everyone and everything, this means you. So right now, I’m drunk (and on pills, can’t forget that). This blog should be interesting. I am sitting here writing this stupid blog listening to “War” by Bruce Springsteen. It is such a great song. If you haven’t figured it out yet, The King is a chain smoking, pill popping, alcohol. And I am proud of it. After all, I am a writer (or now blogger if you will). The reason I’m drunk is that I just found out my recent ex is in a relationship....

Alright, I just woke up. I started writing, went to a nightclub, played some grab ass, then blacked out. You have to love those moments. I have no idea what happened last night. I have to go play detective. I have to pick up the pieces. This going to be fun. It’s like that shitty move “Dude, Where’s my Car?”. I wonder what did I happen last night after I felt that chick up. I also wonder what the fuck is the stamp on my hand supposed to be. The one they stamp on the back of our hand when you get into the club. It looks like a pregnant alien or some shit. Where was I? Oh yeah, my ex found a brand new lover. But who gives a shit? I do alright without her. Truth is, I really don’t care, but even if I am over her, that’s something I don’t want to hear. No matter what, that news hurts. It’s cool though. The problem about ex’s new man toy with me is that I know everybody. Everywhere I go, I bump into someone I know, no matter where it is (That is kind of funny for someone who hates everybody isn’t it?). So naturally when my ex finds a new suitor, I know the guy. Do I like him? No. Did I like him then? Let’s put it this way, I wasn’t too fond of him then, and I fucking hate him now. That’s God at his best. He loves that irony, like I said before. If only you knew the whole story. But what are you going to do? Am I going to repeat last night every night? Well, I am a chain smoking, pill popping, alcoholic, but that’s besides the point. The answer is no. Because I’m just going to live my life. It’s not like I’m not seeing other people, but that news still hurts no matter who you are. Even if I don’t give a fuck about anything. One of my other ex’s is in a 2 year relationship and it doesn’t even make me flinch. But the last one is still fresh in my mind. Now, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea, and think that The King has a heart. Because I don’t, but let’s just say in some cases I might some small qualities that make me look human.  Now go away, you’re bothering me.


Posted by The King at 3:30 PM EDT

Thursday, 09/20/2007


Blog Entry #4

 

Yes, I still hate you. Most of the time, I see myself as being dead inside. A human ice cube, if you will. You may think that's a bad thing, but for me it's not that bad. In fact, I think it's a good thing. All emotions ever did for me was either, A. Get me in trouble, or B. Cause problems for me. In some cases they did both. But sometimes not having emotions can be trouble. Tonight I hung out with two of my closest friends. Now, there is a reason I never let people get too close. And tonight was a good example. My friend was trying to help my other friend out. You see, he's having some lady problems. And things got pretty emotional. Now, at times like this, I don't know what the fuck to do or say. I always look like an asshole and piss people off. I'll make an inapropriate joke or say something stupid. But it's not my fault, I don't get the whole feelings thing. I also hate it when people try to tell me their sad stories. You know, about friends or family or their children dying or being deathly ill. It's not that I don't care (Well, most of the time I don't), I just don't know what to tell them. "Yeah Howie, about your sick kid, I can't help you. You see I don't have emotions and feelings, and frankly I really don't give a fuck. All I'm going to do is piss you off and offend you. So why don't you go talk to that retarded guy who's slower than you over their. He can show sympathy. More than I ever will." How would he react to that? Like I said, I don't let people get too close. I let my last ex get too close, and I bet you guess how that went. She got deep inside and found out exactly what's down there... Absolutely nothing. Plus, trusting people and letting them get close will only fuck you over. We as human beings (if you want to include me) screw each other over all the time. It's in our nature. Never trust a human being, and guys especially don't trust the ladies. Don't get me wrong, I love women, I'm their biggest groupie. But they're a different species than we are. A woman can trust a woman, a man could trust a man (more or less), but you can never trust the opposite of sex. I see it this way: Women are clueless, and men are idiots. So we're even. We don't know what the fuck to do. And women don't know what the fuck they want. They say they want a sensitive guy, but they're full of shit. They want an Alpha-Male. Even if they deny it. First they want one thing, then another. They want to have their dick and suck it too. They say they want you to be sensitive, but when it comes down to it, they want an asshole slob (like myself). Because fellows, that is exactly how they see us. Just a bunch of fuckheads with our hands down our pants while watching Monday Night Football. Before you guys get offended, look in the mirror.


Posted by The King at 12:07 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 09/24/2007 6:52 PM EDT

Tuesday, 09/18/2007


Blog Entry #3

 

God, I hate you all. I remember once this Jewish girl I know told me that she was an atheist Jew. Well, I replied: "Where I come from that's called a Catholic." I offended a few people with that comment. Me, I'm a little agnostic. I don't know what's going on up there. Nobody knows for sure. Nobody knows which religion is the right one. I don't know if my beliefs are true and if yours are false. That's why I hate people who are ultra religious. For all we know, religion could be something we made up in order to think that there is something after death. After we die it could just be an eternal dreamless sleep. But who knows? Not me. I do believe in God though, and I'll tell you why. Because life can't suck this bad on its own. There has to be one man behind it all. God is the best jokester of all time. I bet he sees life as one big practical joke. You got to love the ironic moments. For instance, I went to visit my recent ex at her work (No, I'm not stalking her, I was in the neighborhood. Really, I was) the day after we split. The second I walk through that door, the song "Baby Come Back" by Player comes on. It was depressing, butI couldn't help but laugh. A buddy of mine thought he had HIV. One night he was sitting at home watching TV. Then all of a sudden, an aids awareness commercial comes on. That helped his paranoia. I was in a bad neighborhood once, and my cell phone rang. My ring tone just happened to be "The KKK Took My Baby Away" by The Ramones (Great song). It was an awkward moment. My best friend had a girlfriend that he loved more than anything, he also had this guy who he absolutely could not stand. I met his girlfriend and she... was ... AWFUL! I hated this girl with a passion. She was controlling, stupid, annoying, obnoxious, I completely loathed this chick. She was the biggest bitch I ever met. She wasn't even that hot (either way, I'd still fuck her). Now, the guy he hated... was... FUCKING AWESOME! This guy was hilarious. He was cool as shit. I loved this guy. He was funny, angry, and said some unorthodox shit that made so much sense. But look at that situation. The girl he loved, I hated. And the guy he hated, I loved. Now, are all these things just coincidences and odd phenomenons? Or are they practical jokes, set up by the big guy himself? You have to admit, God is a funny mother fucker.


Posted by The King at 3:58 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 09/24/2007 6:44 PM EDT

Sunday, 09/16/2007


Blog Entry #2

 

The King still hates you. Try not to judge too much. I'm not that much different than you. I'm an everyday guy, with everyday problems. I may have different views, but who gives a shit. Unlike most people, I don't hide anything. I speak my mind, and subtly isn't a part of my vocabulary. People try to act "normal". But what is normal anyway? I don't believe in the word. Maybe it's the complete opposite of what I am. I don't try to act normal. In fact, I try not to be. I am as open as I can be. You can ask me anything. Even my penis size. And if the right person asks me, I'll tell you. Which the right person is anybody, unless you're some gay dude who wants my cock. In that case, I won't tell you. I do have my limits. But I'll give you a hint: It's between average and big. Not that bad, huh? Especially for a Jewish guy. Why do people try to live up to today's standards? What is "normal" anyway? Everybody wants to be socially acceptable. Who really gives a fuck? Nobody wants to be original and have a mind of their own. This reminds me of something my 6th grade guidance counselor told my dad once. This is what this jerk off said: "He doesn't think like other kids. He's different." No shit! You're right, I don't think like other people. Why the hell do you think I'm doing this dumb blog on the Internet? Because all you guys are too much into routine that you don't know how the fuck to be yourself. Trying to be "normal". But why do you want to be normal anyway? What's the big deal? I'll tell you something, there is no such thing as normal. It doesn't exist. Never did, and never will. Maybe I'm a little nuts (I probably am), maybe I am different. But who gives a fuck? It's not like you're not a little nuts. You all are. Then you trash me for telling you how it is. Being honest can also be called "kicking yourself in the ass" these days. Now I want to give some vital advice to all you guys out there. When your girlfriend asks you a question and she says: "Be honest." Don't you even think about it! Whatever you do, do not tell her the truth. "Does this dress make my ass look big?" or "Did you sleep with that girl?" or "What did you do at that party last night?". Just don't do it. In order to make your relationship work, there is one thing you have to do. Lie your ass off. I made the mistake of being nothing but honest with my latest ex. And yes, it kicked me in the ass. When it comes to anything in life, live by this motto: "When in doubt, lie your fucking ass off!"


Posted by The King at 12:01 AM EDT
Updated: Monday, 09/24/2007 6:37 PM EDT

Friday, 09/14/2007


Blog Entry #1

Let’s get one thing straight, The King hates you all. He’ll talk your ear off and be friendly, might even tell you how awesome you are. But it’s all a lie. I hate all of you. The entire human race. Does that make me a bad person? Does it? I may be a nice guy, but being an asshole is one of my finer points. You may think I’m an angry depressed poor soul. You may be right. But the truth is I’m smarter than you think. My whole outlook on life isn’t exactly a bad thing. I’ll give you some advice. First, not caring is a great quality. If you don’t give a shit about life, about anything, there is no such thing as disappointments, pain, suffering, you name it. Second, love is a gift... from Satan. It will only hurt you. If you decide to embrace love, do it with extreme caution. I look at it this way: Fuck love and fuck you too for thinking it’s something special. It isn’t shit. Now I’m not going to sit here and bitch and moan about how bad my life is. ‘Cause like I said, I don’t give a fuck. Just do me a favor, get out of your house, right now, go to the nearest nightclub, and find the biggest skank you’ll ever see. I mean a chick who is such a dirty whore, that you can smell that gooey pussy from the parking lot. Now when you wake up the next day, turn over and look at this whore. That whore is life. It sucks (literally), it’ll fuck anyone any chance it gets, and there is always a price to every action (Example: Herpes). But wasn’t the sex pretty good? No? I didn’t think so. I just wanted to give you herpes. Remember, you’re listening to a guy who hates you.


Posted by The King at 1:13 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 09/24/2007 6:38 PM EDT

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