Friday, 03/07/2008

Blog Entry #14

Guess what… The King hates you. Alright, boys and girlies, let’s talk about sex. Well, let’s talk about the opposite of sex. Now we’ve touched this subject a few times before, but we’re going to do it again. So fuck you. As I said before, men, we’re idiots. And women, well they’re clueless. Men don’t know what women want, and women don’t know what women want. We DO NOT understand women. We’ll never figure it out. I don’t get women, and I’m done trying. Because I never will. So recently I met a girl who I really like. I know, me liking someone. Being an emotionally-crippled narcissist, it is a strange feeling to take a liking to someone. But she has been confusing the fuck out of me. Sending all these mixed signals. I’m as confused as President Bush when he has to make a presidential decision. I’m tired of trying to figure women out. This is why my relationships in the past always failed, and failed miserably for that matter. Also, because I don’t open up and let people see the real me. The real problem about me and my last ex was simple: SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME LIKE I DO! Right now, the girl I like has a problem with my drinking. I’m a writer, we drink, and that’s it in a nutshell. It is a depressing career, and us writers thrive on our depression. I mainly write horror and dark fantasy. This blog doesn’t count as writing because blogging is bullshit. There I said it. I hate people who blog, and don’t forget that I’m a self-loather so don’t call me a hypocrite. So someone asks me, “I always wondered how you horror writers come up with that crazy shit.” And I said to him, “I’ll tell you how. Go in your room, by yourself, with a bottle of whiskey, and listen to Stabbing Westward. You will come up with the freakiest shit you could ever imagine.” Truth is Stabbing Westward and alcohol is not a good mix. It is a lethal cocktail. I bet that that is the major cause of suicides in America. It is very popular for us writers. We feed off of our and others’ depression. We’re like misery parasites. But let us get back to the subject on hand, men and women. Think of the birds and the bees. Now, men, we’re the birds. And women, they’re the bees. (I know, men are supposed to be the bees and women are the birds. But bear with me on this one. If you have a problem with this analogy, then go fuck yourself.) Now picture the bird approaching the bee in a very friendly manner. Now the bee raises its eyebrows and stings the shit out of the bird. Then, the bee flies away, and as it is flying it turns around to blow the bird a kiss. Can you see where I’m getting at? No? Well that’s the fucking point! Ever get in a fight with a woman? Pretty bad, huh? If you haven’t, then think of rubbing a cheese grater firmly against every area of your testicles. That is a better feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I love women. I love all women. I’m their biggest groupie (I know, I said that before, but fuck you. It’s true.) But that doesn’t change the fact that I will never get an idea of what goes on in their head. The great Jerry Seinfeld said that we like women, we want women, but that’s all we have figured out. He said that he’ll never understand women. He will never understand how you can get boiling hot wax, put it on your thigh, rip the hair out from the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. I’ll never get it, so I’m going to stop thinking about. And I’m going to stop typing about it.

Posted by The King at 5:06 PM EST

Updated: Wednesday, 03/19/2008 10:32 PM EDT

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