Monday, 11/05/2007

Blog Entry #10

The King hates everyone you know. I want to talk about the worst night of my life. If it’s not the worst, it is definitely in the top five in the tragic black comedy I call my life. Now this blog is going to be a little different. This story has many characters, so I am going to introduce them now to avoid confusion. Since everything about this blog is anonymous, I am going to change the names to protect the innocent (and not to piss anybody off too much. Even though I don’t give a shit if they do get pissed.) The part of my crazy Satanic “best friend” will be referred to as Evil Jesus. The friend who brought all this drama to my attention will be called: this chick I know. The hottest girl I have ever seen is going to be named: THGOAT (The Hottest Girl of All Time, not the goat.)  The cool chick I met will be called: Cool Chick. And last and definitely least, the drunk asshole who cock blocked me will be known as the Drunk Asshole. Okay, now let’s start from the beginning. Ever since me and my last ex broke up, all my “friends” (they consider themselves my friends, not me) have been trying to set me up. Last time I was set up on a blind date the girl who showed up was Jabba the Hutt with red hair and freckles. I swear to God I heard her say, “Bring me the head of Han Solo!” I hate being set up, but I also am curious to see what people think is King-worthy. So I agree to their proposal.. The day I am supposed to meet this girl I tell my “buddy” Evil Jesus to watch from the radio station I work at, and if this girl is a dog he has to call my phone and say something bad happened. He has to say those exact words, “Yo, something bad happened.” So me and him are outside of the station and this girl starts knocking on the station door. Evil Jesus asks if he could help her. She said that she was looking for me. He said, “Really? Why?” I wasn’t insulted by this comment, because this had to be the hottest girl I have ever seen. I started talking to her and she seemed really cool. And you guys know how hard it is for me to actually like a human being. So I agree to go to her costume party that was on Saturday. That was my mistake right there. As you know, I hate people. Therefore, I hate social gatherings because that is where people go to congregate. So I hate social gatherings, especially parties. To make it worse, it was a costume party. I hate to see a bunch of hypocrites running around in clothes they think they should belong in. The only day a girl could dress as a slut and pretend it’s just a costume. So I throw on my best Sinatra get-up and got a ride with this chick I know. I get to the party late and THGOAT is already smashed. It wasn’t much longer till she was out-of-order. By this time this chick I know had 10 too many shots and got alcohol poisoning. She started puking everywhere. By everywhere I mean she got some of it on the floor and the rest on me. This is the worst position to be in when you are a germ-o-phob. Like everything else, I hate germs. So I have to make sure she doesn’t die. Which isn’t a big concerned of my because she is a boring human being (all of you people are boring to me, especially during sex), but she was my ride. So I was obligated to help. While I’m nursing this chick I know, Cool Chick shows up. And I like this girl. We have a lot in common, she’s smart, and she has a great smile. But I happen to dose off for a minute or two and this Drunk Asshole comes by and cock blocks me. So that was over with too. By this point everyone was passed out, and I can’t sleep in someone else’s house. It’s a tick of mine. I need my own lumpy bed. I end up trying to fall asleep on a pile of shoes, and I do get about a half an hour. The good news is, when I woke up I got to talk to Cool Chick some more and things were going pretty smooth. Until a tiny little itsy bitsy thing happened, of course. Well, I found out that….. SHE’S SIXTEEN!!!! Holy shit! So let me ask you a question: What the fuck is she doing at a party where there is no one under 20? What the fuck is up with that shit? First, I get annoyed. Next, I get contaminated. Then, I get stranded, After that, I get cock blocked. Finally, I get humiliated and receive a chance of almost going to jail. And that’s it. I’d say thanks for listening, but I hate you. So fuck off.

Posted by The King at 2:47 PM EST

Updated: Monday, 11/05/2007 2:50 PM EST

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