Blog Entry #15
Blog Entry #15
Once and for all, The King hates you, and this will never change. Listen up kiddies, The King is retiring. I'm tired of preaching to you fuckheads when it's going in one crusty ear and out the other. You suck, and I hate everyone of you. So right now, I am going to throw in a little Q & A. First, I want to give a shout-out to one of my anti-fans: Janie Doo. Janie has labled me a few things. One would be a sexist. Just today she told me that the reason I will never understand women is because I am an "asshold". Laugh out loud, Janie. Laugh out loud. I love them typo. She has also called me a hypoCRITE. I emphasised on the end so Janie will notice her other typo. Okay, I hate bloggers. But I blog. You're not a hypocrite if you hate every blogger, including yourself. Now my favorite is when Janie Doo told me that I'm a "miserable miserable man" and she wanted to know how I could go through life with so much hatred towards everybody. Well, thank you for the compliment, and it is easy to hate everyone when they suck so much. Janie, I have a question for you. Why do you keep reading the blog if you hate me so much? I'm going to now give a nice Andrew Dice Clay: OH! Next, Tommy T disagrees with Janie. He thinks that I am "soooooooo fucking awesome" and I "get it exactly where it is". Well, thank you, I don't know what that means, but thank you. And Tommy, I will not loose my "major balls". Next, is a frequent ready named Ebony. She is very nice, very polite, very friendly, she agrees with me on a good amount of subjects, and she often gives me her two cents. Do you read the blog? If James Thompson had a vagina, he would definitely pop Xanies in it. Congratulations James! You're a sick fuck like me. Tony Richardson would like to know why I hate people so much. Like I told Janie: BECAUSE YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK! HOW CLEARER CAN I MAKE IT? THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHY I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU MOTHER FUCKERS AND THIS MOTHER BLOG! (Okay Samuel L.) Thank you Tony. I don't know if you noticed, but this is the longest blog. Well, it is my last one, so go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it. Don't get the wrong idea. The King is not happy. He does not not need to bitch anymore. The King stills hates the world any everyone in it, and I always will. Now, this may not last. I don't put up with many things that long. That may be the reason I am quitting. But I may quit my early retirement as well. We will see. You fucking idiots can't do things on your own anyway. You're too stinking blind. I hope you all choke. Good bye, and good fucking riddens to all of you. Now, The King has left the building... God fuck yourself.
Ha ha. I just noticed, this blog isn't long at all. That's hilarious... Fuck you.
Posted by The King at 8:18 PM EDT
Updated: Monday, 03/31/2008 8:20 PM EDT
Blog Entry #14
Guess what… The King hates you. Alright, boys and girlies, let’s talk about sex. Well, let’s talk about the opposite of sex. Now we’ve touched this subject a few times before, but we’re going to do it again. So fuck you. As I said before, men, we’re idiots. And women, well they’re clueless. Men don’t know what women want, and women don’t know what women want. We DO NOT understand women. We’ll never figure it out. I don’t get women, and I’m done trying. Because I never will. So recently I met a girl who I really like. I know, me liking someone. Being an emotionally-crippled narcissist, it is a strange feeling to take a liking to someone. But she has been confusing the fuck out of me. Sending all these mixed signals. I’m as confused as President Bush when he has to make a presidential decision. I’m tired of trying to figure women out. This is why my relationships in the past always failed, and failed miserably for that matter. Also, because I don’t open up and let people see the real me. The real problem about me and my last ex was simple: SHE DIDN’T LOVE ME LIKE I DO! Right now, the girl I like has a problem with my drinking. I’m a writer, we drink, and that’s it in a nutshell. It is a depressing career, and us writers thrive on our depression. I mainly write horror and dark fantasy. This blog doesn’t count as writing because blogging is bullshit. There I said it. I hate people who blog, and don’t forget that I’m a self-loather so don’t call me a hypocrite. So someone asks me, “I always wondered how you horror writers come up with that crazy shit.” And I said to him, “I’ll tell you how. Go in your room, by yourself, with a bottle of whiskey, and listen to Stabbing Westward. You will come up with the freakiest shit you could ever imagine.” Truth is Stabbing Westward and alcohol is not a good mix. It is a lethal cocktail. I bet that that is the major cause of suicides in America. It is very popular for us writers. We feed off of our and others’ depression. We’re like misery parasites. But let us get back to the subject on hand, men and women. Think of the birds and the bees. Now, men, we’re the birds. And women, they’re the bees. (I know, men are supposed to be the bees and women are the birds. But bear with me on this one. If you have a problem with this analogy, then go fuck yourself.) Now picture the bird approaching the bee in a very friendly manner. Now the bee raises its eyebrows and stings the shit out of the bird. Then, the bee flies away, and as it is flying it turns around to blow the bird a kiss. Can you see where I’m getting at? No? Well that’s the fucking point! Ever get in a fight with a woman? Pretty bad, huh? If you haven’t, then think of rubbing a cheese grater firmly against every area of your testicles. That is a better feeling. Don’t get me wrong, I love women. I love all women. I’m their biggest groupie (I know, I said that before, but fuck you. It’s true.) But that doesn’t change the fact that I will never get an idea of what goes on in their head. The great Jerry Seinfeld said that we like women, we want women, but that’s all we have figured out. He said that he’ll never understand women. He will never understand how you can get boiling hot wax, put it on your thigh, rip the hair out from the roots, and still be afraid of a spider. I’ll never get it, so I’m going to stop thinking about. And I’m going to stop typing about it.
Posted by The King at 5:06 PM EST
Updated: Wednesday, 03/19/2008 10:32 PM EDT
Blog Entry #13
For the thirteenth time, The King hates you with a passion. Yes, it’s true. We made it to the thirteenth blog (Don’t take that “we” I just threw out the wrong way. I hate you and we are not the same. That will never change). Thirteen is a great number. It is THE unlucky number. And I’m proud to have made this bullshit blog become unlucky. Well, listen up you nerds, as promised in my last blog I am going to talk about the biggest bad ass of all time. No, not Satan. Satan is a pussy next to this guy. I’m talking about Charles Fucking Bronson. Yes, Fucking is his middle name. It’s French. Charles Bronson is without a doubt the biggest bad ass of all time. Nobody holds a blowtorch to Charles Bronson. Before he was an actor, Mr. Bronson was in WWII. Now, this is my theory. Hitler’s death was a small mystery. We don’t know if he killed himself, or if the Russians killed him. Who really gives a shit? He’s dead, that’s all that matters. The Russians claimed that he killed himself, but who are they to believe? This is what I think. I think that Charles Bronson single handedly made it into Hitler’s palace or castle or mansion or whatever the fuck he lived in. He made it into Hitler’s quarters undetected, killed Hitler, and escaped without anybody knowing. And that is how Hitler died. Don’t believe whatever anyone else tells you. Do you want to know how to end the Iraqi War? We nned to resurrect the late Charles Bronson, pull back all our troops, and send him over there with just two revolvers. No more guns and no extra bullets. I guarantee you, in 24 hours the entire Iraqi army will be dead. If Charles Bronson was president there would be no wars. That’s because he would nuke every other single country. There can’t be any wars if there is no one to go to war with. If you have never seen a Charles Bronson film, then you have two options. One, kill yourself. Two, go out and watch them all. They are so fucking awesome. And he doesn’t need these fancy one-liners or catch phrases, he just kills the mother fuckers. In “Death Wish II”, he noticed that one of his criminal soon-to-be-victims had a cross around his neck. Charles asked him, “Do you believe in Jesus?” The creep replied, “Yeah, why?” Charley said, “Because you’re about to join him,” seconds before filling the punk with a few .357 slugs. The man just had a way with words. In “Assassination”, he banged this chick. The next morning she asked him if he had a good time. He responded, “Yes, I haven’t gotten sleep that good in ages.” Like I said in Blog 12. Only one man is allowed to commit murder…. and that is Charles Bronson. In the world we live in today, we could use another Charles Bronson. Yes, I know they were just movies. But you’re forgetting the fact Mr. Bronson didn’t just play a vigilante, he was a vigilante. We don’t know that yet, but one day the truth will surface. Don’t fuck with Charles Bronson.
PS- This was just a little treat for you screw-ups. I thought it would be nice for you fags to see something The King is actually passionate about, but don’t get the wrong idea. I still hate you.
Rest in peace Charley!
Posted by The King at 1:56 PM EST
Updated: Friday, 02/01/2008 2:05 PM EST
Blog Entry #12
Yes it’s true, The King hates you. Hey, that rhymes. So it has been around a month or so since my last blog. I guess you’re wondering why I haven’t written anything in a while. Well, being an emotionally crippled narcissist means that you don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. I don’t care enough to make sure I’m on time to give you internet nerds a weekly blog. But something has come to my attention. I was watching the movie “Alpha Dog”. Those kind of films are not my shot of whiskey, and I hate Justin Timberlake. Though, “JT” was actually really good in that movie, but let’s get to the fucking point. I don’t know how we do it everyday (and when I say “we” I mean me and all of you. We’re not the same). What I’m talking about is living on this dreadful horrible planet. We live in a world where good people die and bad people thrive. This kid in “Alpha Dog” was the only innocent in the film. Every other character in the movie was a bad person. And that is just like life (because it was a true story). About a week or less ago there was a shooting at a mall. Some fuck-up killed 5 random people then killed himself. I show no pity for people like that, because the only things I see him as is a loser, a fuck up, a psycho, a waste of life, etc.. Now you may think that that’s mean, but hear me out. Do you remember that Virginia Tech shooting? Well, if you don’t there was some lunatic who shot up Virginia Tech and killed 27 people (I’m pretty sure it was 27). It was the largest mass murder of all time. This guy was crazy, it was the only time that when they interviewed people who knew the killer before the shooting they said that they knew something was wrong with him. This guy made tapes of himself with his shirt off like a faggot holding his guns and knives trying to look all bad ass. He also wrote a play with his psycho babble. Now all the news groups were showing these videos and photos all over the news. They were making him look like this scary villain. Now Opie and Anthony decided to do something different. They read his play over the radio and shat all over it. And everyone was pissed off at Opie and Anthony and giving them all this shit. Even though I’m a Stern fan, they were the only ones who did anything right. The news made him look like this God, this hero. They made him into this big fearful almighty figure. Opie and Anthony made him look like exactly what he was… a loser. He was just a fuck-up and nothing else. The news gave him exactly what he wanted. He wanted to be this big frightening figure, and they let him win. Opie and Anthony were the only ones who fought him. I can get Serial Killers, I can get vengeance killers (sometimes they can be classified as vigilantes and they are bad ass), I can get mercy killings, but I can not get random killings. You don’t know these people. What gives you the fucking right to say that they’re worthy of death. If you’re going to kill yourself then just kill yourself, but don’t take five people who you have no idea who they are with you. That is five more birthdays that won’t be reached, five more dreams that won’t be achieved, five more kids and grandkids that won’t exist, and five more loves they won’t fall into (even though I don’t believe in love, but still). If you’re going to do this, then you deserve to die. But do these five innocents deserve to die? I guess your wondering: “If he’s a narcissist, then why does he care?” The answer is that I don’t put my problems on anyone. They’re my problems for a reason. I don’t need to push them on my so called friends. If I’m going to Hell I’m going alone. I don’t have the right to bring anyone down with me. If anyone has the right to murder someone, it’s Charles Bronson, but I’ll get to that later.
Posted by The King at 3:11 PM EST
Updated: Monday, 12/17/2007 3:17 PM EST
Blog Entry #11
The King hates you and always will. So, I’m sitting here at my college eating alone. I like to eat alone. That’s how I roll. But while I’m getting my food, I see my ex. And then I am compelled to go eat somewhere else. I don’t give a fuck what people. Whatever the reason that people thing I eat alone is, I really don’t care. I eat alone because I hate you all. But when it comes to someone who has more than just a thought about me, makes things different. Just a few months ago, she was bouncing up and down on my cock. So, naturally I don’t want her to think I eat alone for any reason, even the truth. It’s not exactly that I care about what she thinks, it’s that her opinion of me is different than everyone else. Whatever impression she gets sticks. She sees me sitting alone, she thinks that I’m sad and lonely. She thinks that I didn’t move on. In a way, both of those view are true. But not in the way she thinks it is. I did move on, I am seeing other people. But she made a huge impact on my life at one time. The feelings are gone, and good riddens to them. But the memories will never go away. And maybe I am a little sad and lonely… at times. It’s hard to be alone, but not lonely. But still, I manage most of the time. It’s almost noon, and I already had a buzz. I’m still a little drunk from breakfast. Does that mean I’m depressed? Because I’m drinking at 9 am while I’m at school. I don’t think so. I think it just means that I’m a writer. You show me one writer that doesn’t drink, and I’ll show you a Nazi in Jew’s clothing. Some chick told me that she was a writer, but did not drink. I said to her, “You lying piece of shit. Don’t make me beat you with my torah!” She was either lying, or she’s just a really shitty unmotivated writer. The kind of writer who when their not plagiarizing comes up with 2 pages a year. But back to the topic at hand. Things are different when it comes to people who have seen you naked. In my case, that’s a lot of people, but that’s besides the point. To sum it all up, the way your ex thinks of you is different than everyone else. They analyze it more, and put much more thought into it. By the way, this Chicken Cordon Blue is bad ass.
Posted by The King at 11:45 AM EST
Updated: Monday, 12/17/2007 3:18 PM EST
Blog Entry #10
The King hates everyone you know. I want to talk about the worst night of my life. If it’s not the worst, it is definitely in the top five in the tragic black comedy I call my life. Now this blog is going to be a little different. This story has many characters, so I am going to introduce them now to avoid confusion. Since everything about this blog is anonymous, I am going to change the names to protect the innocent (and not to piss anybody off too much. Even though I don’t give a shit if they do get pissed.) The part of my crazy Satanic “best friend” will be referred to as Evil Jesus. The friend who brought all this drama to my attention will be called: this chick I know. The hottest girl I have ever seen is going to be named: THGOAT (The Hottest Girl of All Time, not the goat.) The cool chick I met will be called: Cool Chick. And last and definitely least, the drunk asshole who cock blocked me will be known as the Drunk Asshole. Okay, now let’s start from the beginning. Ever since me and my last ex broke up, all my “friends” (they consider themselves my friends, not me) have been trying to set me up. Last time I was set up on a blind date the girl who showed up was Jabba the Hutt with red hair and freckles. I swear to God I heard her say, “Bring me the head of Han Solo!” I hate being set up, but I also am curious to see what people think is King-worthy. So I agree to their proposal.. The day I am supposed to meet this girl I tell my “buddy” Evil Jesus to watch from the radio station I work at, and if this girl is a dog he has to call my phone and say something bad happened. He has to say those exact words, “Yo, something bad happened.” So me and him are outside of the station and this girl starts knocking on the station door. Evil Jesus asks if he could help her. She said that she was looking for me. He said, “Really? Why?” I wasn’t insulted by this comment, because this had to be the hottest girl I have ever seen. I started talking to her and she seemed really cool. And you guys know how hard it is for me to actually like a human being. So I agree to go to her costume party that was on Saturday. That was my mistake right there. As you know, I hate people. Therefore, I hate social gatherings because that is where people go to congregate. So I hate social gatherings, especially parties. To make it worse, it was a costume party. I hate to see a bunch of hypocrites running around in clothes they think they should belong in. The only day a girl could dress as a slut and pretend it’s just a costume. So I throw on my best Sinatra get-up and got a ride with this chick I know. I get to the party late and THGOAT is already smashed. It wasn’t much longer till she was out-of-order. By this time this chick I know had 10 too many shots and got alcohol poisoning. She started puking everywhere. By everywhere I mean she got some of it on the floor and the rest on me. This is the worst position to be in when you are a germ-o-phob. Like everything else, I hate germs. So I have to make sure she doesn’t die. Which isn’t a big concerned of my because she is a boring human being (all of you people are boring to me, especially during sex), but she was my ride. So I was obligated to help. While I’m nursing this chick I know, Cool Chick shows up. And I like this girl. We have a lot in common, she’s smart, and she has a great smile. But I happen to dose off for a minute or two and this Drunk Asshole comes by and cock blocks me. So that was over with too. By this point everyone was passed out, and I can’t sleep in someone else’s house. It’s a tick of mine. I need my own lumpy bed. I end up trying to fall asleep on a pile of shoes, and I do get about a half an hour. The good news is, when I woke up I got to talk to Cool Chick some more and things were going pretty smooth. Until a tiny little itsy bitsy thing happened, of course. Well, I found out that….. SHE’S SIXTEEN!!!! Holy shit! So let me ask you a question: What the fuck is she doing at a party where there is no one under 20? What the fuck is up with that shit? First, I get annoyed. Next, I get contaminated. Then, I get stranded, After that, I get cock blocked. Finally, I get humiliated and receive a chance of almost going to jail. And that’s it. I’d say thanks for listening, but I hate you. So fuck off.
Posted by The King at 2:47 PM EST
Updated: Monday, 11/05/2007 2:50 PM EST
Blog Entry #9
The King hates you with a passion. So I don’t know if you noticed, but my last two blogs were a little spaced out. Well, my computer got fucked up the ass and refused to work. Personally, I hate technology. Not only is it making human beings dumber and dumber, but it’s a pain in the fucking ass. Computers, cell phones, credit cards, PDA’s, Mp3 players, we live in an age where you can not live without these things. I myself am a “analog guy in a digital world” (I know I stole that from Californication, but fuck you.) People are becoming too depended on these high-tech devices. Seriously, could you imagine one day without your beloved cell phone? Or your Ipod? A nightmare isn’t it? I thought so. I mean what happened to the good old days? If you wanted to right something you grab your pen and paper or your typewriter. I prefer a typewriter, I feels like your putting more effort into your work. And what about vinyl? People don’t listen to vinyl anymore? Well why the fuck not? It just sounds better, and collection records mean something. It’s like playing card or comic books or cigars, and actually collection. Technology was supposed to free, make our lives easier. Now people are getting to depended on it. What happens to the day we run out of resources? What happens to the day we get sent back to the dark ages. You’re fucked. Like I said, I hate technology so I would prefer it. I always wanted to live in the old west. When men were men, heavy smoking, hard drinking, and a lot of shooting. It’s not some gay cowboy fantasy either, things were just simpler then. I always had another fantasy that everyone on the planet was dead from a nuclear blast or virus or something, except me. Then I have peace and quiet. Just me and my books, movies, records, and a typewriter. That’s mainly because I hate people, but that’s another story.
Oh yeah, all you nerds out there do me a favor. Count how many question marks are in that entry. I know it would fun, especially for you asians.
(Read Disclaimer on title page)
Blog Entry #8
The King hates the entire human race, this means you. As you already know, I hate people. For many reasons of course. People are idiots. If you don’t believe me, I have two examples that are absolute proof that people are fucking idiots. The first is Scientology. What the fuck is up with that? People actually believe that shit, are you fucking kidding me? Let me tell you something about Scientology. Scientology’s “prophet”, L. Ron Hubbard, was a science fiction writer, a bad one at that. He was also a pedophile. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day people turn this blog into a religion, because people are fucking morons. I could see it now: The pastor would say in the middle of service: “Now, let us all read a verse from Blog Entry #1 about the dirty whore analogy.” The second reason is George W. Bush. First of all, our country is dumb enough to elect him. But are we really dumb enough to elect him twice? The answer is yes. The sad thing is, he’s actually dumber than the people who elected him. The only good thing that man ever did was bust on Cheney at a dinner with all the world leaders after good ole’ Dick shot his friend. Bush actually said, “His full name is Dick B. Cheney. The B stands for bull’s eye.” Well done George, well done. Did you come up with that all by yourself? Isn’t it funny though that our President and Vice-President’s names are Dick and Bush. That shows a lot about our country, and intelligence. Now the whole reason I’m bringing this up, is because people never cease to annoy me. As you’re aware, my girlfriend and I recently broke up. I’m cool with it, I’m probably better off. But my dumb friends always unintentionally pour kerosene on my fire. Every time one of them sees her, they have to call me and tell me. Do you really think I give a shit? It’s hard to pretend that she doesn’t exist when they keep reminding me she has a pulse. My one buddy called me to tell me that he saw her buying bread at the supermarket. Who gives a fuck? Every time I ask them why they tell me, they say either, “I thought you should know.” or, “I thought you would want to know.” Do you really think I want to know? Do you really think I give a shit? If people are dumb enough not to know that on their own, then our species is doomed. People don’t think any more. Human beings no longer have common sense. You all need to stop and think before you do anything. And none of this “I thought you should know crap.” It’s like this: “Why did you tell John that his own son is having sex with his mother and sister at the same time ever since John and his wife got divorced?” “I thought he should know.” Just because you think he should know, doesn’t mean he should, or better yet wants to. Never ever think an answer to something, you better fucking know for sure before you start yapping your big fat mouth. Do me a favor, when ever you hear something, just keep your fucking mouth shut.
Posted by The King at 12:34 PM EDT
Updated: Friday, 10/26/2007 11:48 AM EDT
Blog Entry #7
Yeah, yeah, yeah, The King hates you, we all know this. Today is my birthday. The one day of the year when you celebrate the anniversary since you crawled out of a giant vagina. What is a birthday other than: "Congratulations! You're one year closer to death!" I hate birthdays. Then again, I hate everything, but that's besides the point. Birthdays are a bunch of propaganda bullshit. That's all. I mean what's the big deal? Is living another year of life really a good thing? Because we all know that life is not a good thing. At least most of the time. Just remember the "dirty whore analogy". I personally think that being a year closer to death is a good thing. Why the hell do you think I smoke non-stop? When someone says to me, "You know smoking's bad for you!" I say, "Yeah, but it takes years off your life." What I really should say, is to tell them to fuck off and mind their own God damned business. They'll tell me to stop smoking, but they won't tell the fat lady stuffing her face to stop eating. Because it really is the same thing. Birthdays do have their kicks. It's the only day of the year that everyone has to be nice to you. Because it's your birthday! Why do we celebrate birthdays anyway? There really isn't any special reason. You celebrate the day you were brought into this miserable existence. At least I can get drunk, eat too much, and smoke way too many cigarettes without getting shit from anybody. That's a good thing. The only day I could be me and no one is allowed to complain. And don't forget the presents. You get free shit for being human. For walking out of a giant vagina and living long enough to relive that day. And believe me, you don't want to relive that day. Neither does your mommy. Oh yeah, and the waitress at the restaurant with the tits, she hears that it's my birthday and she's practically sucking my cock already. That's the reason why I'm sitting here typing with a very strong odor of gooey pussy residing on my fingers. My keyboard's going to hate me. Well, Happy Birthday to me and go fuck yourself. The one day of the year I can say that, and you can't say shit. Ha ha! Because that would be rude of you. Now I'm going to take 12 shots and call you in the morning. Sorry, I mean afternoon.
Blog Entry #6
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